happy birthday, baby

Today is my son's birthday. He is one and we have yet to meet.

I have spent the past few weeks trying to figure out how to commemorate this day. How to celebrate someone while mourning their absence. My father suggested having a small party as a family with a place set for Oaks. We could take pictures to show him that we are here, anticipating his arrival. I love this idea.

Another friend suggested that our family plant an oak tree. A symbolic gesture to mark the day. I really love this idea as well.

And yet somehow, without intention, I find myself alone today. My kids left just yesterday for the mountains with their grandma. My usually boisterous home is silent. And somehow this feels right. A day of quiet vigil, watching and waiting for the celebration to come.

There's a decent chance that not only will there be no festivities for my little one today, but that his day will pass by much like any other.

This is the last time. Never, ever again will this day go by without great fanfare. I promise.

But for today, it will consist of only a couple of letters. Love letters from strangers. Detailed accounts from your mom and dad of how you were loved before you were known. How you were deeply wanted and fervently prayed for before you first gulped in the air of this world.

Happy birthday, little love. Your party will wait on you.

{image via mat.}

numbered days

Well, we are 20 days out from travel time (God willing) so it may be time to start checking in here more frequently. I may take this blog private at some point so you can just let me know if you would like to be invited.

Another bomb went off yesterday near Siam Square. Praying for peace throughout Thailand, and that all of our children will get home safely and soon.

Stella & Dot

For the past year or so I have been trying to figure out how the heck we were going to pay for this adoption. And soon after, another adoption. The price tag, as you probably know, is all together daunting. Well this past weekend I may have stumbled upon the answer. Or in all probability, part of the answer.

Have you heard of Stella & Dot?

It's a super cute jewelry company and it's...wait for it...direct sales.

Now we may have never met, but I'm pretty sure that you don't know anyone that dislikes direct sales more than moi. It is just so not my thing. Or so I thought.

Go check out their products and tell me if you don't understand my drastic turnaround. And this is the first thing that I have come across that feels not only doable for me but maybe even a little bit exciting. I am homeschooling my two little ones and that minor detail severely limits my opportunities to financially contribute to our adoptions. Until now.

I think I may be onto something.

it's a boy!

We received our referral yesterday for a beautiful, healthy baby boy.
We are beyond thrilled.

Merry Christmas, indeed.

six

six is good! (do any of you watch Seinfeld?)

Well, we are moving on down the list. I was pretty bummed out about being number six for several days, seeing as there are typically 4-5 referrals each quarter. But I just got word that 3 families ahead of us have requested a girl so.... it could be December after all. Wouldn't a December referral just make the best Christmas present? This is what I am asking for this year!


{image from here}

ten

10 is the magic number. That's right, the countdown has officially begun. We are 10 in line, waiting for our referral. That means probably March, possibly December or a miracle in September. I guess it's finally time to start catching up emotionally. I have been forcing myself to be so detached emotionally that we went from #20 to #10 in a blink of an eye. (This is something you don't typically hear from pre-adoptive parents!)

OK - Sweet Baby! We are praying you home soon!

matchless

This morning we went in to have our fingerprints done.   Some people see God when they look at the stars or a mountain or a baby born.  I, today saw God in a biometric fingerprinting device.  I felt so known.  So decided upon.  So intentionally made & wanted.  

Sweet baby, I pray you feel that way today too.  Your unique fingerprints say it is so. 

baby steps

We just received our 1-800a receipt and the date & time for our fingerprinting.  Yippee!  Another step complete.  We will be there soon sweet baby.  Not just yet, but we are getting closer. 

diversion

In an attempt to keep my mind off of our adoption for the time being, I started another blog.

Sometimes I need to duck out of the adoption world for awhile in light of the 2+ years we still have to go...

You can check out my (non-adoption related) blog over here.

from the Chapman's

I just read Mary Beth Chapman's Christmas letter and was really touched.  Mary Beth is the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman.  They lost their sweet girl from China this past year.  You can read the letter here.  

For all the waiting parents out there -

I heard this song today, and it struck me. This is just how I feel. I bet it's how a lot of you feel, too.

All you really want is to have your baby home. Safe, warm, loved.

I pray this for every child that doesn't get to be with their forever family this year.

Lord, even in our absence, let them be safe. Warm. Loved. 

But Godspeed them home so that we can have the honor of providing them with all the above. Thank you.

Happy Birthday to H.M the King of Thailand!

Today is the 81st birthday of King Bhumibol Adulyadej, the beloved King of Thailand. His annual birthday speech was canceled due to illness. Please pray for a quick recovery and a blessed year ahead for this King and the nation he serves.

To read more, click here.

keep it coming

The Thai Prime Minister has stepped down, cargo flights have begun to leave and remaining flights should be departing by Friday, in time for the king's birthday. Though this may all be great news, there is still a good change of a political backlash. Please pray for a continuing peace in Thailand.

to read more, click here.

peace, please

There is lots of political unrest right now in Thailand with a large anti-war protest at the airport (the worlds 18th largest airport). Over 4,000 travelers have been stranded and it has caused a major blow to the nations tourism-heavy economy. The PAD (People's Alliance for Democracy) is demanding that the prime Minister step down and refuses to negotiate until that has happened. Military involvement looks to be the next step. You can read more here.

Since you have read this far, would you stop right now and take a minute to pray for peace in Thailand?


Thanks.

can I get a witness?

The top page of our dossier {you know the one with all the official seals, Condoleezza's "signature" and that fancy ribbon laced through it} says this front & center: "To all whom these presents shall come, Greetings." I love that. And what a present it is.

Our Dossier has made it's way to Holt In Eugene, Oregon. We are officially "in line". We are number 25. Now the true waiting begins. But man am I happy to finally get to be waiting.

have you voted yet?

...time is running out! don't forget to pick up FREE Starbuck's & Ben & Jerry's on the way home - the official fair and balanced meal of election day.

drat.

So, we hit a small bump in the road at the Texas Secretary of State's office. I haven't want to write about it so I've been putting off blogging. Hopefully it won't be a big delay.

Sean was out of town last week and will be traveling again this next week so we are taking off to my in-laws ranch for some much needed family time and then the kids & I will stay up there while Sean is gone. I am really excited to get away for a little bit. (read: I am ready to be wearing sweaters.)

Perhaps by the time we get back, things between Texas and I will be back on good terms, and our documents will be making their happy way to DC.

poetic rebuke

{this quote has been kicking my butt the past few days.}

"If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it;

blame yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches;

for the Creator, there is no poverty."


-Rainer Maria Rilke

another list

Sean 's plane lands in two hours and forty nine minutes. Not that I'm counting or anything. There's nothing like being home alone with a couple of sick kids to make you really miss your man.

Here are today's top three things that I love about my husband:

1. He wants to talk it through. He wants to communicate so that our marriage can change and grow.

2. He is my partner. He is my helper. He has changed as many dirty diapers as I have.

3. He has excellent taste. And lots of opinions. It would drive me crazy to be with a man that didn't have a strong opinion. I would prefer for him to hate my dress or haircut or whatever, then not notice. I love my opinionated husband.

tagged

Jen of Jen & Jeff's Baby Blog tagged me. I don't typically do these things but who could say no to Jen!

So here goes... some interesting or unusual facts about me:

1. I spent a summer caring for a hawk named Skye. Poor Skye, I was REALLY underqualified for that job.

2. I am a homebody that loves to travel.

3. I have a deep love/hate relationship with personality tests as I love to understand myself and others better but am always bitter that I get scored as an extrovert when I am quite confident of that fact that I am an introvert.

4. There is something very appealing to me to living 'off the grid'. At the very least I would like to grow most of our food. I know - I have this inner hippie in there just trying to get out.

5. I am Irish, English, Dutch, Hungarian, German, and Jewish. I have also been a part of Catholic, Baptist, & Christian churches. Our second child was born in a Muslim nation and our third will be born in a Buddhist nation. I kind of wish I was a Quaker.

6. I long to live in North Carolina though I have never visited there before.

7. I think being a mom is the best job in the world. And again, a job I feel very unqualified for.

champagne dreams

I just received this from my friend (and economic & political advisor), Scott. I thought that it was really helpful in understanding the current financial crisis. This is for anyone out there who like me has a little trouble grasping all this.

nationwide tour

Today, our dossier should be arriving in the fantastic city of Austin, Texas. (it was there we became the Paben 2)

Upon arriving at the Secretary of State's office it will be signed and given the official State of Texas seal.

From there it is to make it's way back into our loving arms where we will make haste and have it on it's way once again. This time, destination Washington D.C. It feels risky sending important documents such as these to D.C. so close to the election. I try not to imagine any postal trucks being held hostage until one of the presidential candidates can prove how he is able to meet all of the desires of all the people.

Should said hostage situation not occur, our dossier will be delivered to a courier who will quickly walk (not run, trip or fall) until he has made his way to both the U.S. and Thai consulates. At each destination he will obtain both sign and seal. He will then walk carefully to the nearest FedEx office and send our dossier to it's final US stopover - the Holt International offices in Eugene, Oregon. Once Holt receives our fully signed & sealed dossier (and a large check from us) they ship it off to Thailand.

Then we are added to the waiting list.

Man-o-man does 9 months of pregnancy seem really short right now.

baby haze

This morning has felt a little surreal. I'm not sure if there is such a thing as adoption hormones, but if there are - mine have hit without abandon.

First, in the car on the way to drop Eva off at school we did our daily ritual of songs & prayers. Today we prayed for two of my friends that are trying to get pregnant through different fertility methods. I suddenly got all weepy and awed by the fact that God invites us to share in bringing forth life with Him. The emotions that swept over me felt reminiscent of the ones that arrived just after my babies were born. Beause God lets us share in all this, is why I was crying.

After leaving the school we went by Sean's work to pick up the last notarized document that we needed to send our dossier off on it's nationwide tour.

Fi-na-lly!

As I was driving to Mailboxes, Etc. to send it on it's way, I kept hitting red lights. Each time that I would come screeching to a halt, my arm would inadvertently cross over to the passenger side to cover the envelope holding all of our precious documents. I'm sure that my intention was to keep the papers from spilling out on the floor of the car, but I couldn't help but smile each time anyway. For the first time it felt as if there was something there of my coming child. Something that I could touch, protect from harm. In essence, something that I could mother.

I know that probably sounds strange, but that was why I couldn't stop smiling.

taking a break...

be back soon.

one day down

Today was sweet Eva-bear's first day of school. She was pretty sad when it was time for Sean, Oliver & I to say good-bye. She was mostly just deeply offended that she had been seated between two boys. Come pick-up time she was smiling and laughing. All in all, she took it like a champ. I, on the other hand, did not. My heart feels smooshed and crushed and bashed and bruised and pummeled and purpled and utterly ruined. I understand at a cognitive level that parenting is all about letting go, from the moment they leave the womb, we begin that forever journey of letting go. And yet, in just one day in the midst of a million days of letting go, this day feels particularly harsh.

Can you tell that she's my oldest?

O-wimp-picks!

I'm not sure what you all have been up to but we have been pretty excited about the Olympics over in our household. Even our 2 and 3 years old keep insisting each evening that they get to watch a little off the "0-wimp-picks" before bedtime. I haven't seen many Thai athletes competing and wondered who I may have missed. This morning when I scanned the medal earners I came across Prapawadee Jaroenrattanatarakoon of Thailand. She has one the sole gold medal for Thailand at The Beijing games. Prapawadee won the weightlifting gold medal in the women's 53 kilogram category, setting an Olympic record.

Jaroenrattanatarakoon lifted a total of 221 kilograms in Sunday's competition. She pulled off 95 kgs in the snatch and an Olympic high score of 126 kgs in the clean and jerk.

Her total was 8 kgs better than Yoon and Novikava who won the silver & bronze.

An interesting side note: She changed her name in 2007 on the advice of a fortune teller who said it would improve her chances of winning the Olympics.

Thai fact

"In order to maintain some semblance of social cohesion the Thais try to keep their cool and avoid arguments. One should endeavor to live harmoniously with one's neighbors and follow the Buddhist middle path that urges followers to avoid extremes. Getting angry or telling people off is unlikely to solve anything - in Thailand anyway. Anger is disruptive and they regard people who go around making a fuss and picking quarrels as hotheaded - or, to translate literally from Thai, "hothearted" (jai ron). The best advice is "keep your cool" and smile benignly, however frustrated or annoyed you feel."

as good as it gets

Wow- we had a really fantastic weekend.
Thirty-one isn't so bad after all.

gettin' out of Dodge

My Love and I are heading out of town to celebrate my 31 years of life and our six years of marriage. We are super excited for our long-overdue-kid-less-weekend-away! Hope your weekend is filled with lots of hugs & kisses.

Thai fact

"Thais like to have fun; they like parties, gossip, going to the movies, taking trips, and eating out together. Wherever you go in Thailand you will hear the word sanuk being used - the Thai word for fun. Is Bangkok sanuk? Was a certain film sanuk? Was a party you attended sanuk? Even occasions like funerals, which Westerners regard as serious affairs, ought to be fun in Thai eyes. And the same with work. The Thais do not draw a sharp distinction between work and pleasure in the same way as Westerners do.

The Thais are an exceptionally gregarious race when it comes to fun. They like to have a good time together and cannot envisage enjoying life in any solitary way. Their idea of fun tends to be unsophisticated and playful - usually with noisy music and bustling crowds.

Forget about the Protestant work ethic. Most Thais are easy-going people who refuse to work themselves to a standstill. Work is a means to earning a living, not the be-all and end-all of life. Indeed the Thai word ngan, which means "work", also means "party." "

I missed Mother's Day!

I just found out (thanks Kate!) that yesterday was Mother's Day in Thailand. I guess it's apt that I missed it as I am not actually a mother to a Thai child yet but at least I now know the date for next year. (or in two years, more likely!)

The Thai people celebrate Mother's Day on August 12th because it is Her Majesty Queen Sirikit's birthday (or วันเฉลิมพระชนมพรรษา สมเด็จพระนางเจ้าฯ พระบรมราชินีนาถ as written in the Thai language) and she is considered the mother to all the Thai people. You can read more about how the Thais celebrate this holiday here.

free music - cool!

Ever since college I have been a big fan of Derek Webb's music. I consider him a modern day prophet, spouting out the things that nobody wants to hear but lots of people need to hear. Much like Keith Green he is a pioneer in a lot of ways. One of the things that he does (again like Keith) is that he makes his music available for free or whatever people want to pay. He has helped start up a site with some other musicians that are getting behind this same idea. The site is called noisetrade. You can choose to email three friends about the album or pay whatever you want and in exchange you are able to download the album...for free. Isn't that cool?

a greater gift

My Dad sent me the sweetest early birthday present this past week. It's from a site that I hadn't heard of called A Greater Gift. He found it as he was searching the web for a fair trade item from Thailand that he though I might like. And he was right, I do! Not only is this bag really beautiful, but the fact that it is helping someone in Thailand earn a good and fair wage makes the gift even sweeter. Eva thinks so too. She has barely let the bag leave her shoulder since its arrival.

Thai fact

"Thai self-confidence is reflected in their smart appearance. Cleanliness is important, and Thais think nothing of having several showers a day. They make a point of being well-dressed, with clothes that are always spotless and neatly pressed. The Thai word for dirty, sokaprok, expressed disgust.

Urban women, in particular,take pride in their appearance, wearing stylish clothes and making extensive use of cosmetics. They also smile a lot - simply because a smile always looks more attractive then a frown."

red letters campaign

I've recently joined up with the Red Letters campaign. It is a group focused on both awareness and action. Some of the primary focuses are orphan care, poverty, HIV and adoption. I am now an 'adoption journalist' for this project. That sounds pretty fancy but all it really means is that my blog is posted on their page of adoption journals, listed under Thailand {their 1st! - come on Thailand peeps!} and I post their blog badge at the end of my posts. For anyone that is interested in these issues or wants to help bring awareness about these things or even just wants to find more adoptions journeys to follow, this is a great site to check out.

anchored

Most of you have probably heard about the death of Steven Curtis Champan's youngest daughter, Maria. The Chapman family has adopted three little girls from China in addition to the three biological children that they have. They are huge adoption advocates and an inspiration to many. This morning was their first interview since Maria's death. If you missed it you can watch it on Steven's website. They will also be on Larry King Live for the full hour tomorrow night, August 7th 9pm ET/ 6pm PT on CNN. They are such a beautiful family and a great picture of faith when it counts.

song for Lucy

One of the adoption blogs that I follow is called Taiwan Lucy. Lucy's Dad has written a really beautiful song while he waits for his little girl to come to home. Lucy's song is available as a free download on their site. I feel like it so embodies the hearts of all of the adoptive parents out there, waiting, wondering when their little one will be home at last. In my eyes, by far the hardest part of adoption is the knowledge that your child is out there not knowing the love of a family. Godspeed all of our babies home.

bunnies

So, I am officially crazy.

Some friends of ours kept offering us some free bunnies. They have horses/chickens/turkeys/bunnies/dogs/etc. at their place. They kept saying that the kids could come over and pick out some baby bunnies. We kept putting it off. Then randomly some other friends were moving and offered us their bunny cages, even though we have no bunnies. We started thinking maybe God was speaking. Granted, we have misheard Him before, this wouldn't be the first time. Suffice to say, we now are 'trying out' life with two bunnies. They or I may not make it the week and they or I may soon be living on the nice ranch property with said horses, chickens, etc. Feel free to offer any name suggestion as right now I keep going back to the names of Franciscan monks - not sure why.

I'll keep you posted on how this current saga plays out.

play smart

I added a new banner to my sidebar: Free Rice. It's a pretty unique concept. Each time you visit their site you can play a game testing your vocabulary skills. For each word that you get correct, 20 grains of rice are donated through the UN World Food Program to help end hunger.

67,949,960 grains of rice were donated yesterday, just by people playing this game.

Over 40 billion grains have been donated to date.

Hey! Each time you check out 'the Paben 5' you could click on the banner and play.

A game that helps strengthen your brain and fights world hunger? How can you lose?

paperwork

I am trying to get all of our forms filled out and documents assembled so that when we get a copy of our final home study -
our dossier is ready to go!

And don't you know that I look just like this doing it?

Eva's adventure

I bought this book (the First Adventures of Incredible You) for my daughter, Eva, sometime last year and I was really excited about how it turned out. When ordering the book you answer all sorts of questions about where you live, different family members or friends, etc... (for example one questions asks for your, or your child's, favorite sports team...) Then when you receive the book, all these little details are woven into the story. Eva loves it!

I just received an email stating that this book is on sale through August 31st for $26.36. I did notice an online retailer is now selling this same book for $49, so this is a pretty good deal in comparison. This makes a great gift and I think an especially cool adoption item.

You need to enter the code: adventures20 at checkout.

As always, I have no affiliation with any of these products.

Thai fact

"Because Thailand has never been under foreign rule, the Thais hold their heads high and regard people from other nations as their equals. They come across as self-confident, and proud of their country, but never arrogant. They learn from an early age that Thailand is 'Buddha's own country.' They have savored independence for centuries and are very thankful for this."

tip toe

The social worker just left.
Our second home study visit is over.
The kids are both napping at the same time.
The house is clean.

And it's a Monday.

It's as if I am living in some surreal alternate reality.

Perhaps if I tread lightly, this moment in time will last a bit longer...

Bella

I have heard some good things about this film and have been wanting to see it. I know that the girl has an unexpected pregnancy and that adoption is a theme in the film. Have any of you seen it - what were your thoughts on it?

**update**

We watched this Friday night and I really, really liked it. I hate to recommend a film because each time I do, my mother watches it and then threatens to disown me but...what can I do? I liked it.

just as they promised.

Our first home study is officially complete. I just spoke with our second home study social worker and she asked if she could fly out this monday - I am so grateful that things are finally moving along!

This is Sitha Heng...

"...Sitha is 50 years old and lives in a small village on Cambodia's Mekong River about 15 miles north of the capital city of Phnom Penh. A widow, Sitha has four daughters, three of whom are married and one who lives with her at home.
For the past 34 years, Sitha has supported her family by weaving silk into cloth, a skill she learned from her mother. She sells her finished produts to a middle man in her village, who then resells it in Phnom Penh's markets. In addition to weaving, hard-working Sitha also grows rice to sell. To grow her businesses, Sitha is requesting a loan of $1,200 U.S. dollars to purchase more silk and rice."

This morning I went to Kiva' site and made a loan towards Sitha's goal. She still needs $425 to meet that goal. If you would like to get involved in helping Sitha's business prosper you can find her here.

Such a small contribution on our part can literally change the course of a person's life. Why wait?

**update** Sitha's goal has been met a mere 6 hours from when I posted this. Perhaps some of my generous readers made it happen! There's still plenty of others to partner with though...!

waiting...

I stole this picture from my friend Mindy's brand spankin' new blog, Eikyo. Man, that is just how I feel. Our (first) home study social worker said that our (first) home study should be done in a week, two weeks tops. Well, it will be two weeks tomorrow. We can't schedule our (second) home study until our (second) home study social worker has our (first) home study in hand. Confused yet?

So I'm just waitin'. Something tells me this will be the first in a long series of waits. I better learn to enjoy the view.